One of life's little surprises

This is just something I need to vent about. If you have advice, I would love to hear it. I know this is going to be very long and I am going to ramble, but I feel the need to write about this as it is weighing on my mind.

I suppose I need to start with some background.

My husband and I both have 2 kids from a previous marriage. They are now our kids.

Almost 2 years ago my husband was acting a little strangely. I figured it was something going on at work and when he was ready he would talk about it. I asked several times, of course, but he denied anything was wrong.

In October of 2003 we had been married 2 1/2 years. We decided to take visit my in-law's in Georgia with the kids while they were out of school for fall break. Before we left for the trip, Tim was acting very nervous. Anxious. I knew something was up, but in the rush of getting the van packed and the kids ready, I didn't pursue the issue. I actually forgot about it as we headed south on I-85.

When we were about 20 miles from Tim's parents house he asked me to stop at a rest stop. I told him he was being silly. I mean, surely he could wait another 15 minutes or so. But, he stressed he needed to stop NOW.

So, we did. After everyone visited the restroom and piled back into the van, he took my hand and said we needed to walk. At this point, alarms were going off in my head. He led me over to a picnic shelter and sat down facing me. He took my hands in his and at that point I saw the tears in his eyes. My heart was pounding! Then finally, he said, "I know I haven't been myself lately and I am sorry for that. I should have talked to you and let you in, but I didn't know how. I want you to know that I had the power to make this all go away. But, I decided to do what you would want me to, what I know is right. When we get to Mom & Dad's we are going to meet a little girl. Her name is Ashley and she is my daughter."

OK....just for a minute try to imagine the chaos swirling around in my brain. I won't go on and on with all the details, but at that time she was 8 years old. Many years before we met, while he was stationed in Korea he had an affair that produced this child. Apparently her mom had decided it was time for her to meet her real dad and grandparents.

So, I had a whole 20 minutes to prepare to meet this child. It was difficult, to say the least. Tim also told his children about their 1/2 sister at this time.

Over the past 2 years, we have seen Ashley from time to time. She normally visits Tim's parents in Georgia a couple of times a year and we see her then. She did come spend a week with us over the Christmas holidays this past year. She honestly doesn't seem interested in knowing us. We send cards, gifts, emails, and call her, usually with no response. Or a thank you. She does enjoy spending time with Tim's parents because they spoil her. What kid wouldn't? But, with us she is rude, demanding, bossy, and unpleasant to be around.

A few days ago she called Tim. It is the first time he's heard from her in months. Turns out, she wants him to buy her a clarinet for band and to pay $29.95 for her to participate. That was the purpose of her call. Not to see how he is or tell him how she is doing in school this year.

I have such mixed feelings. One on hand, he wasn't a part of her life for 8 years, so we do owe or something. ( As a side note, her mom married when she was 6 months old and she calls that man Daddy. He has raised her basically from birth. They seem to be fairly well off financially) On the other hand, is this just the beginning of a long list of financial request? If we decline buying her the instrument, her mom may get ticked off and decide to take Tim to court for child support. If we do get it for her, will it be appreciated? Or discarded? Or will it open a floodgate for other items she "has to have"?

I just don't know. I feel the right thing to do is to help her out. I mean, we have these other 4 kids that we spend a small fortune on every month. Clothes, baseball, school supplies, medicines, allowance, entertainment, etc etc. Shouldn't we be doing something for Ashley as well?

But, on the other hand, it IS different. She has a mom & dad that love her and have raised her. She is Tim's child only biologically. She doesn't seem to want to be a part of our lives.

Originally, when Tim found out about Ashley 2 years ago, he was told that Ashley wanted her "dad" to adopt her so she could have the last name of the rest of her family. Currently, she has our last name. Part of me thinks Tim should call her and encourage this. But then I feel selfish. She IS his daughter.

OK....thanks for letting me go off on tangent. After seeing it in writing, I think I know what we should do. Now I just need to talk to my husband about it and let him know he has my support.