This time I didn't cry

The way I tend to usually hand stressful or painful situations is to put on a brave face and appear to be handling things wonderfully….then breaking down into tears at the first private moment I have.

Take for instance the time my husband and I went white water rafting about 2 years ago. It was something I had always wanted to do and that he has a lot of experience in. We rented a ducky, which amounts to an inflatable canoe that just the 2 of us took down the river.

Before we started, an instructor gave us directions on how to negotiate the rapids and what to do if you overturned at any point of the journey.

It started very peacefully. The views were beautiful, the splashes from the river were cold and refreshing, and I was very relaxed. Even our first few Class II rapids we got through with no difficulty. We were having a VERY nice time together.

At the end of the route is a Class III rapid. Being a roller coaster fanatic, I was really looking forward to experiencing a little more intense of a rapid. I was very nervous, too. Mother Nature is MUCH more unpredictable than any manmade coaster.

As we approached the rapid we saw a group of Asians on large rafts blocking ½ of the river. Apparently, one of their rafts had become ensnared in some brush along the riverbank and as their companions came along they all grabbed hold of one another to try to help out their friends. There were about four 8 person rafts right in front of us.

By my husband’s choice of words, I knew this wasn’t a good thing. We gently bumped into them and he tried to guide us around their rafts. Then, in an effort to help, one of the guys stuck in their raft gave us a little push. And that is when we caught in the wild water and flipped end over end right at the top of the rapids.

I went over my first Class III rapids out of the boat. I tried to remember everything the guide told us. Turn backwards. Keep your feet up to avoid them being wedged between rocks. The water was so cold that I barely felt my body being banged against rocks over and over.

Once we were over the biggest part of the rapid, my husband grabbed a hold of me. All I could think was hold on tight. And he never let go, despite the fact that apparently I kept causing him to go under.

Finally, after what seemed like years, he pulled me ashore. Several people applauded and complimented him on the excellent job he did of helping me. I was very quiet, chilled to the bone, and just ready to climb onto the bus for our ride back to the rafting center.

As soon as we sat on the bus, I snuggled up beside my husband and started bawling. He was alarmed at first. “What hurts?” he asked. All I could do was shake my head. And to this day, my best explanation is that in the heat of the moment, I kept my wits together. But the moment I knew we were safe and sound, all that adrenaline just released in a dam of tears.

I’ve found in life I am that way about any circumstances that cause physical or emotional pain as well. I just don’t think about them ahead of time. After all, if there is nothing that can be done to avoid it, then why waste time worrying about it. Things like being in labor, my divorce, surgery, and funerals. The pain is going to be there, so I just deal with it when the time arises. And deal with it well in front of other people.

Yesterday, I had my third cervical biopsy in 4 years. I keep having abnormal pap smears, which leads them to do a Colposcopy and each time they do a biopsy at the same time. It hurts and is somehow violating.

The first two times I did great at the doctor’s office. I even read in my medical chart that the doctor wrote that I “tolerated the procedure remarkably well”. Good for me! However, as soon as I got in my car, I cried. And for 2 days was just moody and emotional. I think because I do not allow myself to deal with the emotions prior to the procedure I get overwhelmed after the fact. The pain, the worry of what the lab results would be, and the feeling of being out of control were unfamiliar and I didn’t handle them very well.

But, yesterday, I didn’t cry. I didn’t get upset. It hurt, yes. And hurt the rest of the day and night. Perhaps it is because the past 2 times the lab results didn’t show cancer I am not as nervous as before. Maybe I am getting better at handling these types of emotions.

At any rate, I was expecting to be out of sorts yesterday, but once I left the Dr’s office everything rolled along just like any other day.