What to do with her?
As many of you already know, I have a 13 year old stepdaughter, Chelsea. She will be 14 in April. She's been really doing poorly in algebra I this year. We have been taking her to a tutor at the church where I work 2 times a week, but still she only passed by 2 points. And for this new semester, she is flunking big time. Her teacher emailed us requesting a conference, so Monday we met with the algebra teacher, plus her Science & English teachers.
We expected to hear she wasn't trying, etc etc. And we did. The teacher said she's capable of doing very well, she just doesn't seem to care about it. Then came the more surprising part. All 3 teachers agreed that Chelsea's mood, attitude, and work all depend on how things are going with boys. They said she's obsessed with boys. Matter of fact, they caught her making out with a boy in the hallway last week. AT 13! IN Middle School. And the guy is not the guy that she's been telling us is her boyfriend. She also lied to us about after school tutoring that is offered by her Algebra teacher.
So, it is hard to know how to proceed. Her dad, being an overprotective dad, lost his mind. I'll give him credit, he didn't yell at her. But, he took everything out of her room but the bed & desk. No stereo, no TV, no phone, no computer, no DVD player. He stated in no uncertain terms that he will not have a "Fluzie" for a daughter.
We have talked about enrolling her in a private Christian school. Not as a punishment, but as a new opportunity. What she has done at the point isn't that bad....what worries me is what will come when she starts high school next year. It is obvious the girl who lives with us is not the same girl that we drop off at school every day. She's done a good job of keeping us snowed. But, that won't happen again.
To make matters worse, her mom isn't very supportive. She feels like kids will be kids...there isn't much we can do about it. I believe that attitude will land you with a pregnant 15 year old daughter. She also thinks there is a conspiracy against her, because no one told her about the meeting with the teachers. Actually, when the teacher emailed me the date & time she said, "WE have set up a conference". I thought the we was the teacher and Chelsea's mom. (sigh)
Anyhow....any advice would be appreciated. Chelsea is a very bright and pretty young lady. I am terrified of the choices she will be making over the next few years.
I do know that we've been neglecting going to church. We've tried many, but haven't found one we all feel comfortable with. So, we end up not going more often than going. But, that is going to change. We are going to pick a church and get involved. I do not expect church to make everything all better, however I do think having the positive influence in all of their lives will be beneficial. It certainly can't hurt.
posted by Andrea at 12:25 PM
6 Comments:
That is a tough thing for parents to deal with. There is alot of debate about what is proper, and what is not. Obviously you have to stress how important it is that she not stray from the path that God wants her on.
One thing I worry about though, is when you pull everything away froa a 14 year old, are they going to end up rebelling even further, or just as bad, are they going to self-assume that they can't come to you with personal discussions because if they do they will be heavily punished for it.
Maybe take her to a place where she can see the kinds of things that can come from getting too intimate at too young of an age. I won't make specific recommendations because I don't know how she would react, but something to educate her, maybe even putting a little scare in her. Not from you guys, but from what kind of life she could have if she keeps screwing around in school and playing that way with guys at such a young age.
I know she is a great girl, because she has 2 great parents, she is just at an age of discovery, and without guidance, she will end up "discovering" everything on her own, that is not what you want to happen.
I think the private school idea is a great one, yes there are still temptations there, but she will be starting over with new kids, so it will take time for anything to happen, and hopefully they will be more supervised there as well. In the end, she isn't that far from graduating, and a few years of that, to ensure a good future for her is soooo worth it.
Best of luck, and you all will be in my prayers
I have been through the hard road with my oldest daughter and it's tough. I did have some interference with her dad, we were divorced when K choice the path with many rocks. She ran away 3 times to live with her dad, who couldn't even take care of himself. So after realizing she wouldn't stay with me I let her go with him who keep her up late hours helping him do his jewelry business. She couldn't wake up for school and had to walk 1.5 miles. I know thats not far but she was used to walking around the corner. She quit school got an apartment and got pregnant and came back home. Great?
The thing I learned with my other 2 children was that I didn't make them do right, I choose to live right. I walked the talk, in other words I set the example for them to go to church, yes I made them go but didn't push them to be involved and they just followed me. I wanted my first daughter to be so good that I choked her all the way out of my house because I was so afraid of her dads influence on her.
I feel you are getting alot of negative energy from the other mother which isn't helping your daughter. Maybe get some prayer for that negative energy and just let your daughter know that you truly love her in spite of. Hope this helps
I hope you survive this. Your chosing to be involved is the first step, I wouldn't limit her activities completely as she will REBEL, but keeping her busy will work for a time. Sports, after school clubs etc. As long as she is within adult super vision I doubt she will have time to do anything to bad. I am not saying let kids be kids, but you can not STOP it if she is truly determined with these boys.
Oh No, if she is as boy crazy as I was, you are in for a long hard road! I was awful, awful, awful!
How I made it through is by God's grace alone!
I feel for ya!
I think that as parents it is our responsbility to set limits and boundaries. This does not mean we love them any less. It actually shows how much we love and care about them. It is the same concept as we all used for our 2 year olds to keep them safe when they were testing and learning their limits.
Just like young children, and adults, there should be consequences for behavior. Adults that break the law face the possibility of going to jail. Teens face the possibility of a loss of privlidges when they break the rules. Note that I said privlidges.
So, to sum up. We absolutley should love our kids all the time, no matter what they do. And make a point that they know they are loved. At the same time, we should lovingly guide them and set age appropriate limits. That is a parent's job.
From what I see of your family on a day to day basis, you are doing an excellent job of that. You spend more time with your kids than any parent I know. They are loved, and feel that love every day.
As a mom of three kids - I have worked very hard to teach my kids responsibility and to always take the high road. We have taught our kids to be honest with people and even though it may be difficult for a while, in the end, you will feel better knowing you owned up to your responsibility in the situation.
Here is the definition:
Responsibility
n 1: the social force that binds you to your obligations and the courses of action demanded by that force; "we must instill a sense of duty in our children"; "every right implies a responsibility; every opportunity, an obligation; every possession, a duty"- John D.Rockefeller Jr 2: the proper sphere or extent of your activities; "it was his province to take care of himself" 3: a form of trustworthiness; the trait of being answerable to someone for something or being responsible for one's conduct; "he holds a position of great responsibility"
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