Difficult weekend

Well, the end of the long weekend has finally arrived. I just finished some homework and am trying to decide if I am sleepy enough to go to bed.

Friday night Tim and I got into a huge fight. I guess the biggest one we've ever been in. I won't rehash all the bitter details, but it was really ugly. At one point, I honestly thought there was no way we could recover from it. Things we said and revealed that have made me doubt my entire life. I feel like I have been living in an illusion...or delusion as it were. Our differences about our kids are becoming so huge.....I'm not sure where to begin to bridge the gap.

I love my husband. I have spent many unhappy years before him and knew from the first moment we were together that he was the right man for me. I still believe that. But now I wonder, am I right for him? It seems he's been very unhappy with me in a lot of ways. But, he's kept it all to himself...I had no idea. How can I try to improve or understand when I am kept in the dark?

We had the kids all weekend, but they went to their other parents Monday afternoon. Hubby and I had a nice afternoon and evening...cooking on the grill, playing with our puppies, went on a short drive. The weather has been spectacular, so we just had to get out of the house for a little while. But, I can't help but feel there is the gulf between us now. I have to second guess everything and I'm feeling doubts where there have never been any. It figures too, the past year I have finally gotten my self confidence to a respectable level. Now it is shattered. Again. I spent the first 31 years of my life feeling inadequate and inferior...so it is nothing new.

Overall, we really are happy. We get along great and have a lot of fun. I can honestly say my husband is my very best friend. Our 2 issues are money and the kids. I have a son he has a hard time with and he has a son I have a hard time with. We are both very defensive over our own kids (naturally) so we never seem to get anywhere in a discussion. As far as money goes...well, I'm not good with money. I don't spend a lot, but we always seem to be behind on bills. ALWAYS. Hubby likes everything to be paid right on time. Well, who doesn't? I would love for every bill to be sent out a week before it is due. It just doesn't seem to ever be able to happen that way. There is ALWAYS something. And because he gets so bent out of shape about it, I hide the problems. If I bounce a check, I don't tell him. If a bill is behind, I don't tell him. If we get a disconnection notice, I don't tell him. Great, huh? But, needless to say, the one day in two weeks he checks the mail; there is something negative in there. It never comes on days I check the mail. No, that would be too easy. I guess after 4 years I should have learned my lesson. I just keep thinking we are going to get caught up and there won't be anything left to hide. Wishful thinking on my part it seems.

Anyhow...I've gone on and on enough. I am going to use these next couple of days to try to figure out where to go from here. I am starting a new job next Wednesday so I have a week of down time. No matter what, leaving isn't an option. I am committed to this marriage for life. So, we have to find a way to communicate better and work through these issues with our kids.