It is time...

It is time for us to make a commitment to a church.

I was raised in a Christian family but only attended church on special occasions. My parents both attended the same church in Virginia when they were growing up and just never found one in North Carolina they liked. It was an almost a contradictory way to grow up. My folks didn't teach me about God, values, or morals; didn't take me to a church to learn those things; however, I was expected to know about all of them. When I went through my rebellious teenage years my parents had no idea what went wrong...but I did even then. I hadn't been given any direction.

As an adult, I have joined 2 churches, both of them very large, and not long after just kinda quit going. I think in the large churches it is hard to find a place to fit in....to find people to bond with. However, I have this deep need to be a part of a church family. It is something I long for. I need the guidance, the education, the accountability, the fellowship, the support.

We've been visiting a young church on and off for about 6 months now. Last night, hubby and I discussed it and we both enjoy the church. The kids love it. And I never fail to learn something new. But, we don't feel the Spirit of God in the services. Perhaps it is because they are currently meeting in a middle school auditorium. The pastor is very young, and I enjoy his sermons, but they feel very rehearsed. I do not ever feel God has inspired him to talk about something specific. All in all, my husband and I both feel that he is an excellent teacher, but not a very good evangelist or Spiritual leader.

So, I am a little perplexed as to what to do next. I don't see the point in continuing to go to a church that we know we don't want to become a permanent part of. At the same time, the kids love it, and are comfortable there, so I hate to start dragging them to a bunch of new churches.

Where we live there is pretty much a church on every corner. So, where do you start? I have several in mind I would like to visit. I'm just feeling sort of at a loss as to what to do next. I know what my goal is, just not sure how to get there.

The best place to start would be to pray, so I am going to try to make some quiet time later today.

On a different note, Autumn has finally arrived today. I am so thrilled. This has always been my favorite time of year. In the beginning of October, the air cools and gets a refreshing crispness to it, the skies are a perfect shade of blue, the fair comes to town, my birthday rolls around, the leaves start to change, and the apples become ripe for the picking. From October 1-January 1, I am in my prime.

This Week

So, around lunchtime on Tuesday, hubby and I headed down to Atlanta. We stopped on the way to visit with my inlaw's for a few minutes, which thankfully went very well. We stopped at O'Charleys to eat because we didn't know how much time we would have and didn't want to drive around looking for someplace new & unique.

Downtown Atlanta was awesome. I've been many times before, but at night it is just more exciting. The pulse in a large city is so different than smaller towns. Don't get me wrong..I would never want to live in a big city like Atlanta, New York, Chicago. I am a country girl at heart. But, it is still fun to visit, take in the sites, then come back home.

The Paul McCartney concert was AWESOME! I've been to a lot of concerts (3 just in the past few months), but there is something definitely different about seeing a legend. I felt like I was seeing a part of history. We had a really great time. My favorite songs were Live or Let Die and Maybe I'm Amazed.

Not surprisingly, we both collapsed not long after we got back to the hotel room.

After then, I have had a migraine every day this week. I don't know what the trouble is. I normally get them 2 or 3 times a year.....for the past 2 months they have been 3 or 4 a week. I know, I know, I need to go to the doctor. We are having some trouble with our new insurance and I am trying to get that straight before I rack up any more bills. (my hubby is diabetic, so he has to go to the Dr. fairly often)

Yesterday was my Women's Bible Study. I am so enjoying that! I can feel my faith growing with each daily lesson. And the companionship of the other ladies is very nice, too. I hope that we decide to make this our church home..but I guess that will be left up to my hubby. We still want to visit a few other places before we commit, but I am so ready to be a part of a church family. I have never had that and I think it is something I will cherish.

So, it is finally Friday. We don't have the kids this weekend so I am looking forward to some R & R. Probably won't get it though. We still will go to their baseball & softball games tomorrow and I have a TON of homework.

I hope everyone has a great weekend! The fall season has finally arrived on the calendar...I am just waiting for the weather to follow. 93 here right now. WHOA!

On our way...

We are on our way to see Paul. McCartney, that is. My husband is a huge Beatles fan and tonight he will be able to finally say he has personally seen Paul McCartney perform in concert. We will be able to cross an item off of his list of "Things I want to do before I die."

So, we are getting ready to head to Atlanta. We have a room downtown so that we can check in before the concert and walk to the arena. I figured that would be better than paying to park, fighting traffic to get out, then driving to a hotel.

We have been looking forward to tonight ever since I bought the tickets back in February. I am sure this night will be one we will never forget.

I will not stress out...

Yeah, right.

Yesterday was my hubby's birthday. We had a really nice dinner at Copeland's and enjoyed some time alone. (he is getting old!)

However, I also found out last night that my inlaw's are coming up TODAY. Our house is a mess because we've been so busy this week. I got up 2 hours early this morning and got most of it done. But, there is still several things to do. I just hope they aren't sitting in the driveway when I get home from picking up the kids this afternoon. In addition, if you have read my previous posts, you know that my in law's have been angry with me about something I supposedly did. I am going to pray that we are able to get all that sorted out over the weekend. I don't like bad feelings hanging over my head.

The kids have 3 ballgames tomorrow. Cody's is at 9:00, Bryce's is at 11:45, and Chelsea's is at 3:00 in another city. So guess what I will be doing ALL DAY LONG TOMORROW? LOL

Then, on Sunday, we are delivering a van load of donations I've been collecting for a family we know from the Mississippi Gulf. They lost pretty much everything. I've been able to collect clothes for the wife & children, towels, lamps, and shoes for everyone. Instead of putting it in boxes, I decided to go buy some cheap laundry baskets, clothes hampers, and trashcans and fill them with the clothing. I figured that way, the mode of transportation will also be something they will be able to use. That idea almost made me feel smart.

I am going to try very hard to maintain my sanity this week. Monday may almost be a relief.

Women's Bible Study

Our family has been visiting a church for about 6 months now. We don't go every Sunday, as we've continued visiting other churches. It is a new church, just getting started. We enjoy the services, but haven't quite felt like we fit in anywhere yet.

Today they started a women's Bible Study Class based on a Beth Moore series. I figured it was a good way to meet some ladies in the church and get involved.

I felt a little awkward, as most of the ladies already knew one another very well. A few went out of their way to make me feel welcome, which was greatly appreciated. The study is going to be awesome...I am already so excited about it. The title is, "Living Beyond Yourself." I truly believe it is exactly what I need right now in my life. With us not being a part of a church family or Sunday School class, I feel like my faith has little chance to grow and thrive. This class is going to help stimulate my spiritual growth and I am so excited about that.

We have about 30 minutes of home work a day, which I wonder when I will find the time to do. But, as they say, if there is a will there is a way. If I have to stay up 30 minutes later, or get up 30 minutes earlier, I am going to make this class a priority for the next 11 weeks.

Shopping trip (WHEW)

I just got back from buying all three boys their fall wardrobes. Ok, I admit, I am sure I will buy more but we have a great start. The nice thing about having 3 boys all about 18 months apart is that for the most part, all the oldest ones clothes get passed down to the younger ones.

I tell you though, it was exhausting. Chelsea took the boys to look at toys while I shopped, but it was still a challenge. Once I finally made them understand that we were ONLY buying clothes, they were a little quieter.

For Chelsea (13) this year, we gave her cash and told her that is all she gets for clothes. I explained we could go to a fancy store at the mall and probably buy 3 or 4 things. Or I could take her to some bargain places and she could get 10 or more items. So far so good, she bought 2 shirts at Kohl's that were on sale buy one, get one free. We are going to hit a consignment store and a jeans warehouse later this week.

After all that shopping, we came home with like 10 bags full of stuff. But, once it was all divided and hanging in the closets it doesn't look like they have that much. I guess it is time to hint to grandparents that the kids need more fall/winter clothing. :-) Oh yeah....guess we will have to buy coats too. Where does it all end? LOL

Update

It is amazing how denial works. I find myself going about my routine as if everything is fine. I think that is a "skill" I learned growing up. Ignore it and it will go away.

Well, I don't want to ignore this anymore. There is obviously a problem, and I want to work on it. I don't' like living feeling as if I am doing everything wrong at every moment. Every time I bring it up, so we can calmly talk about what is going on, I am told, "Can't you just leave it alone?" Yet, I am also told, "There are things we need to work on." and "Things can't just stay the way the are." I am not sure how to work on issues if they aren't discussed.

Apparently, my stepchildren have been going to their mom & grandparents every time I do anything wrong. Nevermind the facts that I get me & my kids up 2 hours earlier than we have to so that I can take my stepkids to school, that I spend 2 HOURS every single afternoon picking them up from school, that I help them with their homework every day, I sing songs with them, take them fun places, do daily devotionals with them, make a point EVERY DAY to compliment them on something they did well, or that I do much more with them than their mom. They complain about a couple of little things and from what I hear now their mother and my in-law's think I am a horrible person. Well, let me tell you what...I am a damn good stepmom...I do not care what they think. I do as much for my stepkids as I do for my own.

So now, like today, my stepson talked back to me 3 times. And I am powerless to do anything about it. If I say anything to him, he will blow it out of proportion and go whining to his mom & grandparents. Then I am the bad guy. However, no one has stopped to ask me about any of this. They just assume that it must be just as the 9 year old tells it. (sigh)

In the meantime...my husband complains about my son every time he has the opportunity. Yes, Austin is difficult. He has anxiety. He doesn't handle most situations in the proper way. But, being mean to him just makes it worse.

I am just at my wit's end. I don't know what to do. I do thank you for giving me the opportunity to vent for a few minutes. Amazingly, I feel calmer now. I guess that means it is time to head to the grocery store.

Difficult weekend

Well, the end of the long weekend has finally arrived. I just finished some homework and am trying to decide if I am sleepy enough to go to bed.

Friday night Tim and I got into a huge fight. I guess the biggest one we've ever been in. I won't rehash all the bitter details, but it was really ugly. At one point, I honestly thought there was no way we could recover from it. Things we said and revealed that have made me doubt my entire life. I feel like I have been living in an illusion...or delusion as it were. Our differences about our kids are becoming so huge.....I'm not sure where to begin to bridge the gap.

I love my husband. I have spent many unhappy years before him and knew from the first moment we were together that he was the right man for me. I still believe that. But now I wonder, am I right for him? It seems he's been very unhappy with me in a lot of ways. But, he's kept it all to himself...I had no idea. How can I try to improve or understand when I am kept in the dark?

We had the kids all weekend, but they went to their other parents Monday afternoon. Hubby and I had a nice afternoon and evening...cooking on the grill, playing with our puppies, went on a short drive. The weather has been spectacular, so we just had to get out of the house for a little while. But, I can't help but feel there is the gulf between us now. I have to second guess everything and I'm feeling doubts where there have never been any. It figures too, the past year I have finally gotten my self confidence to a respectable level. Now it is shattered. Again. I spent the first 31 years of my life feeling inadequate and inferior...so it is nothing new.

Overall, we really are happy. We get along great and have a lot of fun. I can honestly say my husband is my very best friend. Our 2 issues are money and the kids. I have a son he has a hard time with and he has a son I have a hard time with. We are both very defensive over our own kids (naturally) so we never seem to get anywhere in a discussion. As far as money goes...well, I'm not good with money. I don't spend a lot, but we always seem to be behind on bills. ALWAYS. Hubby likes everything to be paid right on time. Well, who doesn't? I would love for every bill to be sent out a week before it is due. It just doesn't seem to ever be able to happen that way. There is ALWAYS something. And because he gets so bent out of shape about it, I hide the problems. If I bounce a check, I don't tell him. If a bill is behind, I don't tell him. If we get a disconnection notice, I don't tell him. Great, huh? But, needless to say, the one day in two weeks he checks the mail; there is something negative in there. It never comes on days I check the mail. No, that would be too easy. I guess after 4 years I should have learned my lesson. I just keep thinking we are going to get caught up and there won't be anything left to hide. Wishful thinking on my part it seems.

Anyhow...I've gone on and on enough. I am going to use these next couple of days to try to figure out where to go from here. I am starting a new job next Wednesday so I have a week of down time. No matter what, leaving isn't an option. I am committed to this marriage for life. So, we have to find a way to communicate better and work through these issues with our kids.